2021 was my year of change.
Some of these changes were planned long in advance. Plans such as moving to a new home. The Pandemic changed the logistics but fundamentally, I knew (or at least hoped) they would happen.
Other changes were much more fluid, more conditional. Changing a job, for example, is often a matter of serendipity — the right position at the right company at the right time.
After 2020, a year that felt both stuck in mud & also one that felt like it flew by with hardly a trace, I was ready to embrace forward motion in every part of my life I could manage.
And change things I did. Just about everything in my life has shifted in major ways in the last 12 months. Here are my 4 biggest learnings (or “kennings”) I wish I myself had known:
Change is Neither Good nor Bad
- Change by itself does not solve problems
Instead, change is an opportunity, an invitation to do and see and think differently. Traveling somewhere new may lead you to discover new traditions & ways of thinking that benefit you in the future. Doing tasks in a different order could open your eyes to seeing more efficient or fun ways of accomplishing the same thing as before. Getting to know someone new and different from those you normally talk to gives you the chance to understand points of view you did not know even existed.
But this is only possible if you keep your eyes open.
2. Change must be done with an eye towards growth
If change is an opportunity, it is intention which determines whether the effects of the change will be beneficial in the long run. A clear understanding of the new possibilities is important here: what will the change allow you to do that you could not do before?
As an example, moving from an apartment within the city to a house outside of it gives the space both my partner and I need for our creative endeavors. I recognize that just because this space gives each of us the chance to pursue our projects doesn’t mean those projects automatically get done because there is more space. I still need to implement my intentions in order for the change of moving from an apartment to a house to truly be meaningful and beneficial.
Change is Uncomfortable
Each of the major changes in my life left my deeply ambivalent for a period of time. Moving meant I lost access to some of the things I loved about where I had lived before: favorite restaurants, convenient gym locations, familiar walking paths. Leaving a previous job entailed leaving coworkers whose company I enjoyed and who deeply trusted my expertise. Getting a dog was a loss of freedom: no longer could I hop in a car at a whim and drive somewhere far away for the weekend.
- It’s okay to Mourn what you left behind
You can choose to see mourning as a way of your subconscious processing the goodbye. It means you truly appreciated the thing you are sad to lose. There is beauty to that.
As with all healthy emotion, we should not get trapped in the emotion, obsessed and unable to let go. Neither should we try and quash the feelings of sadness or mourning. That would be the same as rejecting how much you enjoyed the things you are sad to lose.
An appropriate recognition and mourning for what has been lost honors both the thing and your own emotional state. It also allows a clearer vision for the things you value & which you will treasure all the more when you have the chance to experience something similar in the future.
2. Change often means the people in your life will change
It’s easy enough to see why moving to a different state or country might change the people in your life, but even smaller changes may lead to some people gradually leaving the orbit of your days.
The larger the changes in my life, the more the people in it have changed. The lesson I have taken from this is to expect it with clear-eyed understanding and to do my best to maintain relationships where I can. Some may be eager to keep in touch. Others drift away. I have come to expect this as well.
All the more reason to treasure those close to us when we have the opportunity.
3. Change necessitates learning. This is often uncomfortable
A new job doesn’t just mean learning new systems and projects. It entails learning the personalities of the team you’re joining, understanding culture and expectations and more.
A new house requires learning its quirks, its exceptions. Sometimes through painful trial and error.
A new partner, no matter how similar, requires learning their habits, their history, their sorrows as well as their joys.
Anyone who says learning is easy is not entirely honest.
Biologically, the deck is stacked against learning.
Our brains are incredibly expensive to maintain from a perspective of calories & general somatic maintenance. Using your brain — and learning in particular — makes the brain even more “expensive.” It uses more calories that biologically speaking, your body would rather you did not expend if you didn’t have to.
In other words, your body itself will resist learning. Your body itself will not want change.
Beyond biology, learning is also a challenge to the ego. It requires admitting you do not know something important. Where the ego is strong, curiosity will not have room to flourish & learning is unlikely to happen.
Expect that change & learning will come with some discomfort & move past it. It will be worth it on the other side.
Control the Pace and Direction of Change
- Change isn’t always by choice. It’s okay to seek stability
Losing a job forces change. So does the loss of a close loved one. Losing your home is also incredibly traumatic.
We don’t always choose change. Sometimes, change happens to us. At such times, if we have the strength, we can try and see the silver lining & pursue the opportunity the change brings, but we shouldn’t feel like we have to.
When change is already happening in one area of life, it can be better to put other changes on hold. If you’re already moving, it can be better to hang on to a job you have — even if it’s not a dream job. If you recently started dating someone new, it could be smart not to also adopt a new pet.
As change has come at me throughout this year, I have done my best to hew to routines in the parts of my life that remained the same. Taking walks, reading, and learning languages are habits in which I find comfort. During times of change, I’ve found it especially valuable to make sure I continued doing these things in order to feel a sense of equilibrium.
You have your own habits of equilibrium. During times of change, embracing habits that promote equilibrium will help make the changes feel more manageable.
2. Not everything has to change at the same time
Even if we want change in our lives, for the transformation to be lasting and lead to growth, it must be manageable. Like a large meal, it needs to be “digested” before you can make the most of the next one.
There are schools of thought that say that changing everything at once is easier than taking a gradual approach. This may be true. In some cases, it may even be possible to grow in several areas at once.
But this is risky.
It is easy to take on much more than you realize. Or something unexpected (unexpected change) may happen in your life. In such cases, you may quickly find yourself completely overwhelmed. Instead of making progress, you may end up abandoning the changes you sought. In the worse-case scenario, this could even create an aversion to doing that again. You might think back and say “I tried it — it didn’t work. I’m not trying it again.”
Pace yourself. Leave yourself room to maneuver. There will be time to build on success. It’s much less fun to re-treat territory of thwarted change.
Embrace the Inevitability of Change
No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man. ― Heraclitus.
Many of the oldest elements of religious and secular philosophy emphasize that reality entails change & change is the cause of reality.
When an apple falls from a tree, its energy has changed from potential to kinetic. The apple itself has changed. If you weigh it — it will actually now weigh less!
Waking in the morning changes your state of mind. Putting on your clothes changes your state of dress. Taking a step changes your location.
Whether we want it or not, each moment is change — from our every-day experiences to the subatomic state of matter itself.
- Preserving the status quo takes more energy in the long run
What takes more emotional energy — fighting to keep a job that does not fit? Or changing positions & embracing something that fits better?
Clinging to the status quo is often comforting & it is easy to imagine all the reasons why change may be difficult. In the short-run it can be exhausting. But in the long run, controlled change can lead to tremendous growth and much more energy available to pursue things that bring you joy in other, unrelated areas.
And remember not to become a victim of the sunk-cost fallacy: just because you have spent some amount of time or energy on a place or a person or a project does not mean you should spend even more.
2. Fold change into your way of life
Making change habitual seems like a contradiction in thought — habits and change live on opposite poles of the spectrum. Taken too literally, making a habit of arbitrary change would likely lead to chaos in your life and others’.
But what about mindfully examining your expectations & the parts of your life that have become comfortable. Static. Unchanging?
If you always go to the same restaurant for a date night — what if you tried a different place? Or a movie? Or kayaking?
If you’ve lived in the same place — what if you painted the walls a different color? Or rearranged books on your shelf? Got a different set of dishes?
These seem arbitrary. Not anywhere near the scale of changing jobs or getting a new dog. But this year has made me realize that even small changes can ignite creativity, spawn new ideas, and change our perspectives.
Small changes also habituate us to the fact that change is always happening around us. By choosing change when we are comfortable, we may be ready for unexpected change when it comes.
We already know how to handle it.
We see change for the gift that it is & embrace the challenge & opportunity to grow.
